Review

Entirely surrounded by columns, the exterior of The Coach & Horses is like a Greco-Roman edifice devoted to the art of drinking, a temple to the goddess of booze, a place to worship the god of pissheads. Known as "The West End's best known pub", it's certainly one of the most inconspicuous, residing on a non-descript corner of Greek Street, a few steps off the throng of Old Compton Street.

Mirrors and wood panelling are the wall coverings of choice throughout the pub, together with a saturation of theatrical cartoons, pictures and photographs. Further investigation reveals that The Coach & Horses, alcohol and local journalism are inextricably entwined. There is a theatrical moment at the bar when one of the barrels runs dry, as a hood is placed over the pump, in a manner that befits a murderer about to face the gallows - one expects the barstaff to place a mini-noose around the neck of the pump and a priest to enter and administer the last-rites.

Obviously immensely proud of its food, the windows of The Coach & Horses are strewn with A4 notices advertising the sandwiches, which retail at £1 - all day! Step inside and you're once again bombarded with bargains, as the boards above the bar publicise the drinks offers, happy hour and Absinthe at £3.50 a go. If you're not tempted to spend every penny on drinks and snacks, you can demonstrate your charitable nature by popping a few pence into the faux Paddington Bear that sits upon the bar next to the undisclosed jug of water. Closer inspection of the bogus marmalade sandwich munching bear from darkest Peru reveals that it's actually Blaze Bear; Blaze Bear appears on behalf of the F.S.N.B.F. (Fire Services National Benevolent Fund), raising vital funds to help serving and retired firefighters and their families. Ensure you donate.

Sitting at the bar, you will notice a trough running along the entire bar at ankle level, its purpose unknown. One is only to suspect this is to facilitate toilet visits, allowing you to stay on your stool once you've broken the seal, pissing into the trough without needing to leave your drink alone. The reality is probably less urine based, and I assume it's for patrons to wheel their bicycles around in, as can be seen on stairwells and walkways throughout Amsterdam. Taking a walk to the house of easement, the pisser, you pass a gas fire that's clearly a remnant from a bygone age: a 1970s gas fire that's been condemned by the Gas Board. I imagine Rik Waller has never drank in The Coach & Horses, and if he did he wouldn't be able to take a slash, as the toilet door is only narrow enough for a rake to get through; perhaps the trough at the bar has been installed especially to attract Rik Waller's patronage, allowing him to unleash the monsoon without having to enter the craphouse and witness the vandalism on the toilet wall that states "Albert Tatlock Rules OK"!

Review by mr_psm